To see the Unseen

I so do not know how to write a poem... It never seems to rhythm, so I'll leave it to monkey brain, who miraculously ace it every time...

While I shall......RAMBLE AWAY.....WEE!!!!
Ish... I freaking have split personality.... Identity Crisis!!!! Roar!!!!

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My brain ain't functioning well... I have so much to write, yet I can't seems to make a sentence. Bear with me if it sounds ridiculous... I shall draft something tonight and edit it tomorrow if my brain isn't all clogged up with spider webs... No promises.

However right now....
Where do you find the faith and strenght to believe, When the something you wanna believe in couldn't be seen...

I would be content, If life would stay stagnant... If only I could turn back time, If only I had the power to change everything.... Would life be a different story all together... I guess it dosen't matter anymore. If only...doesn't make any difference...

I would be happy enough if nothing changes... Heck, I don't think I can stand anymore nonsense. I guess i lost my will to be strong... Yes, I need a kick in the ass... Coz I can't afford to lose.. I know if i gave up and throw everything away... that would be the last straw... I have to go on... If I want everyone to be happy...

I am crapping... I assure u I'm drunk... Without alcohol. I wonder why?!!
hmm... Lack of sleep makes my brain go nuts..

Lord, give me strenght.
Give me moutain moving faith.
Show us the light at the end of the tunnel.
Coz all we have left... Is the trust in u.

She stands facing the wind, feeling the pitter-patter of the rain drops hitting her face... Smelling the summer breeze of late August... delicious. She stands there looking out from her beautifully embroidered glass window... Constantly gazing into thin air drifted away by her imagination... In that point of view, the world looks like an uncomplicated piece of art...

But, she knows better than to be fooled by what is seen, as she knows its really what cannot be seen that matters.

She never fails to get peoples attention... Lovely on the outside and inside or so it seems to everyone. However, she kept a secret deep down inside her glass heart... was the secret really that well kept? As her heart of glass have been smashes into uncountable pieces...into glass dust, Unable to be reattached back.. She tries to be strong, Yet she feels so jaded coz she knows nothing is really that wonderful as it's seems on the outside...

Peace was all she wanted...nothing more than that. Fame, fortune and power seems insignificant to her... all she wants was the strength to continue on... to grasp the problem and solve it... Yet, all she can do is stand there helplessly, unable to do anything... Watching her world fall apart...

The rain finally changes into drizzles... Chirping of birds can be heard once more... A blow of wind hit her numb face... She wipe off her tears took in a deep breath, and decided that she would continue living... with a smile from her heart... That was all she could do, while hopping and waiting... Wishing that her world would not fall apart.... A miracle to happen

Celebrity Collage by MyHeritage

MyHeritage: Celebrity Collage - Roots - Family pictures

Nasi Lemak n Chiken Rice

I swear if I knew It would turn out like this, I would have just stay at home.... *cries*


So what exactly happen??

Once I open my eyes, I had to prepare to go out... Before I knew it, i was off to mum's office with my aunty. Waited for lunch time and we went to Pavilion for lunch... No! Before you accuse me of going shopping, I went there strictly for LUNCH!! And gosh was it expensive... RM 14.50 for nasi lemak.. x_x. It's like 100% more than what you pay for in a mamak stall.. But then again, its Pavilion, and I'm not paying so no complains....

Chicken rice I ordered

Nasi lemak that I stole from my mum

As usual I feasted like a pig... I so have to stop chewing everything In sight... After lunch headed over to sungai Wang... and No! I did not go shopping....I went for a hair cut instead.. T.T

How my hair looks before I stupidly chop it off.... Now, for the rest of schooling days, I have to run awaaayy from dicipline teachers... becoz they would shave me bald...%$^%&*

Good thing it's just 2 weeks away till holidays...Right now, I'm stupidly regreting for cutting my hair, and I have to wake up extra early, Coz hair have to be spiked....

Oh,If ur wondering how I look now.... scroll down

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U'll knw when you see me in person.... ^.^

Glory to God

Just wanted to post this testimony since Claudia encouraged me to.

Remember In the bible where God promise that If we give him back 10% of what we have, He would bless us many many times more?

Here's the story...
Last year, before PMR results was annouce I had this feeling that since God have Blessed me so so much, I ought to give back a lil to Him... therefore I gave some of my savings as an offering... and I told God that I want no reward, but If he wants to bless me, make ppl around me happy...
*Few weeks later*
Mummy said she wanted to go to the bank, Okay lor so we stopped by there... then wala, she came out of the bank and without any reason gave me Rm500... its like 100% more than what I gave God... Praise God!!! Amen...

*fastforward to 2 weeks ago*
I was filled with this urge to give back to God again, So I gave. Today, lol... I found Rm50 which I never knew I lost... Like, Huh?!
Lol... anyway, thx God... Coz I'm seriously broke.

FYI: I am so not bragging, No offense! But since Claudia darling asked me to post this as an encouragement I did... Glory to God and God alone.

Life's like hanging on a Tread...

Well, at least for me... I really don't like the idea of posting blogs like this. It's like striping naked in public and running around.. it makes me feel vulnerable. I hate how blogger dosen't have a feature to make this private. There I was a month ago...determine to make this blog as sunny as possible, To break away from my old habits of blogging...I guess that's why the other 2 blogs are private..

Yet again, who am I kidding? Life's not a bed of roses...

*Reminder...this is 1 of those annoying-crazily-torturing long posts I do during exams... Exams makes me feel all emotional*

They say, choices are hard to make... that's coz they don't know that standing at a crossroad not knowing that there's a choice to make is way way worse...

Ignorance is bliss... is it really?! I can't make up my mind... If i choose to be ignorant, would I fair better? Would it In fact save me from further plungging into an endless pit of darkness? More importantly if it's true...why do I not like the idea of it...ANYMORE??

Numbness... How long can a person actually stay numb? I wonder how I was able to fool everyone into believing that I don't give a damn about anything? I wonder how the heck I manage to get myself to believe that I'm immune to the surrounding... to believe that If I was ever disected, It would be empty inside... To think that I could never feel the blood dripping down when I bleed... Beginnig of the year,I was beginning to question myself, why do I freaking not give a damn bout anything anymore...Why did I ask, I wonder? Was I scared of being emotionless... or was I in fact tired of putting on a mask... As I question, Defensive walls start crumbling, all the hardwork of making myself numb.... down the drain

Ish...can you believe that I broke down multiple times in school upon being confronted?? Now I feel stupid. To think That its in front of teachers? I feel insanely-stupidly-dumb =.=''

Before you think I've lost my mind, and plugged into depression... I am in fact happily singing away right now... Nth feels better than being able to sing and loving the end results of it... Why did I post this then?

Answer:
To thank God... for he had given me a 2nd chance, to walk out of the endless deep pit, To be able to recover by the grace of God, after screwing up. I will in fect continue to screw up, But i swear, hope and believe in doing it LESS. I know right now I have to be honest with myself, to acknowledge the pain, and to not take things for granted.

A special thanks to Claudia, Amanda, Hema and Kavi... I know its not right to ramble bout how bad things are... How confuse, lost and troubled I am. I have no right to complain since life's way better than it was 5 years ago...

Yet I don't hate how cruel life's been to me... At times I did wish that It would leave me alone. however I know that what I am today is becoz of what happen back then... Maybe i grew up too fast, I didn't have a choice. I know that if I did not seize control, I would have been swept away headed for destruction...
The end result? People comment that I look older than my age... ish, to think that strangers would shut up when I say I'm 16 is like wth?! Do I look like I'm a working adult...&)$@#$@%$

Doing this makes me realised how burned out i was a month ago... Now, all that really matters is me and God... All else proved to be insignificant compare to God and myself...

Jesus take the wheel,

Take it from my hand ,

I can't do this on my own,

I gonna let it go,

So give me 1 mor chance,

Save me from this road I'm on,

Jesus take the wheel...

Carrie underwood, Jesus take the wheel

I surrender Lord, Take charge!!

Lame..

I know I just posted like a min ago... but I figured out that the emo post was already tooo long.

Updates...

Went jusco yesterday.... and wala

killer heels... yet another pair. I do intend to kill myself in it...

Oh, and clothes too... but misplaced it...

I'm fast developing a habit of camwhoring....

I don't Care anymore...

I'm exhausted and tired, I swear I could feel my feet aching and its all red. And yes, It's all my fault that I'm one of those idiot who wear 3 inch heels for shopping... My feet is all numb and soar, and you probally think I'm insane... But you know what?! I don't give a damn...


I'm tired and sick of people telling me what to do,
I'm sick of people telling me to fit into the social norm,
Excuss me, who the heck are you to even have a say?! I decide
I'm sick of people commenting on how I should live my life,
on my really short skirts and killer heels,
On my principles of life...
Giving me some shyt lecture of how life is,
Shyt bout listening to them coz they've been through it all...excuss me? Did I even ask for advice?
Tips bout this Big Bad World or so it seems... and you know what?!
I freaking know this a 110 times better than you do!! I've seen enough to last me a lifetime... and you know what? I'm not that innocent...

Screwed my life my self......check
Someone screw my already miserable life....double check

If you think that I'll listen to ur ramblings? DREAM ON...
I freaking hate the way you ask me if I'm ok, when you freaking know I'm not!!!

I want to be left alone.... to not care about what other's have to say...in fact don't bother to comment on this post.... coz i don't care... I positively-totally sick of constantly having to entertain other's point of view...

I'm not in vain, and I'm not depressed or a troubled-phyco in the head... neither am I bitter...
I'm just very tired and in need of rambling crap like this.... 13 hours of school have totally drain me out... In need of serious rambling... now you know why the old blogs are not expose to the world... so much of making a 180 turn =.= "

Seriously, I'm not a troubled teen... okay may be a lil. But I have God as my antidote... So leave me alone and let me deal with life myself along with Jesus... DON'T INTERFERE

ps:/ in need of serious sleep or else face a big possibility of posting emo posts like this again

Da middle of eXams..

Okay, I guess most of the hard hard exams is over... Tomorrow would be Sejarah and BI 2 ( what's the format?). And no kind-hearted teacher is willing to tell me what's coming out, fail baru you know...=.= '

Sej was ok I guess... structure was quite easy but essay abit blur. All-in-all I crap alot. WE were required to write an essay bout sleeping disorder for EST, okok lor...write till damn long now hand still pain... At first I thought got plenty of time, I was all relax and cool... I din't realise how fast time flies by, when teacher say last 20 min I still in the middle of the essay...after that I keep rushing and writing non-stop... In the end finish on time la... Weee

...not in the mood to blog, I know this post is bloody lame... suits me who's in a bloody emo mood

Okie... I caught the blog bug again. Here goes...

I've been worrying alot lately since I've been having abit too much to handle. Phew... Its all done and life is less hectic.. Except STUPID exam... i repeat.. STUPID EXAM!!!!!!
Yet, why do i sense that I'm not totally at peace with myself? I keep worrying and am so fearful lately... Seriously I feel so so bad about this.

I know God said..

• Do not be afraid for I am with you.
• Call unto my name and I will deliver you.
• Confess and repent, and U will be forgiven

and that I'm more precious than anything on planet earth or for that matter the whole universe.. For I am his daughter. ( It's from my memory so its not type base on da bible... juz to let ya noe, its not that accurate.. but da meaning is da same)

I believe in God... but I still need him to help me remove my unbelief.. I know that sounds weird but Its so so true. I know being fearful and worrying is a sin and it does not please God... but I can't help it.. *sigh* but I believe when the time is right, God will help me understand all this confusion that I have... All I have to do is HAVE FAITH.. which is a big big word...

patience, patience....

Ps/ was suppose to post my to do list and must have list... but I guess i'll save it for tomorrow..

Random-Ness.... Seriously

When I was looking at songs friends wrote.... I kinda remember the days...

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Rain start dripping down the corridor,

followed by flashes of light....

All is dark,

all except a dimly brighten kitchen room..

Silence, total silence....

Then there comes a lullaby....

Sounds of someone scribbling....

Imagination unfolds....

Music & lyrics fills the air,

All this is recorded down..

By a girl, who had nothing....

but the love for music.

Nothing felt better,

Nothing was more satisfying,

Other than finishing her masterpiece...

The reason she strive to keep living....

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Those was the days... Where I would just sit and let my music and lyrics tell my story.

*sigh* Those was the Days...

Now I can't even get enough inspiration to write a 2 sentence poem... T.T

Writer's block... *cries*

Weirdo...

I was just wondering... Thinking back some friends said that I'm really quiet and cool, while some said I'm just hyperactive and Impossible to keep up with. While teachers said I'm shy and timid. Some say I'm too sweet and nice, while some says I'm a bitch..I'm like... Omg! wth...SPLIT PERSONALITY... haha, okok not really. But i was just wondering... what you really thing I'm like? *since I have no idea..with diff ppl diff reaction*

Oh, and had a discussion with a friend... guess he's pretty pissed off *u noe who u are*

I know, I know... I at time am overly brave. *its not a good or bad thing thou* Don't worry.. I'll be just fine. I know how to take care of myself, and not to mention I'm paranoid so I tend to realise small details and make a big deal out of it. Sometimes my overactive imagination really scares the hell out of me. Like the time i thought some1 was following me, but it ends out that it was a guy who by coincedence was just walking the same path as me. And the other time where something drop to the floor and i thought there was a thief... yea yea laugh all you want... It's silly but its just the way i am....

Haha... just like the description bout what my name means :You are a free spirit, and you resent anyone who tries to fence you in. You are unpredictable, adventurous, and always a little surprising. You may miss out by not settling down, but you're too busy having fun to care.

There's more or less a lil truth in it.. I seriously hate people telling me what to do and I simply live for myself. Okay...fine I do go the extra mile to try to please people at times but still... And for all my friends who say I'm a weirdo *no offense* coz I simply don't fit in into the normal-way-of-how-a-gurl-should-behave... Too bad, I'm not changing the way I am. No worries thou, I'll take care of myself and I have my mummy who i turn to..

Well maybe I do behave differently from the social norm but as long as I don't get in trouble with the law and no one is hurt, I don't see why I can't behave differently.

Oh yea, in case ur wondering "what if" i screw up or didn't make such a wise choice, All I can say is it's still a choice i made and I'll deal with it.

I guess a couple ppl would be totally pissed off by this post but then,
Love me, hate me but I'm still me...*feli, dun sue me for copy right*

Heart Breaker

I'm sorry but I only have this to say... Don't accuse me of being HEART BREAKER. Like right!You're going around acting as if I broke your heart... Let me get this straight, I didn't mean to and I'm sorry if i did. I simply had to do what is right for me...

Okayzz, that sounds abit harsh. I've completely burned out and stress out. I've been going through alot. Its a whole new journey of learning to forgive & forget, to trust & believe, have faith and most importantly to find myself again. I know I've been really wreck, in the process of remembering my past I gave in to all the hurtful feelings. I forgive everyone including myself long ago, but its hard to completely forget. To do that I need alot more strenght. I guess I've found it in GOD... Getting the strenght is 1 thing, to do it is another... No worries thou, getting on with it pretty well

*laugh & then cries*

that sounds so weird... My exam is next week, and seriously I AM NOT PREPARED!!! Wadever la, just have to pray harder and study harder... There's still time!! I hope @.@

*sigh* so much of wanting to break away from my usual emo blogging habits. Just the 2nd post (3rd blog) and I'm already pouring out all this craps... ish.. on a brighter note

UPDATES... kayzzz it's from last week shopping spree with my darling!!!

My darling

Highly recommended

The mascara we finally brought after 3 hrs

ish.. bro's barely 1 week old fon

my upgraded version ler.. ish

In case ur wondering like wth?! read previous post!!

Sry folks!!
I know its hard to keeping up with me when i keep changing blogs. I swear upon my cookie that this is the last and I'll make it stay. FOR REAL!!

To claudia... I know this is similar to urs, but It's what we did together today XD

Finally after planning for a zillion years, we finally went cosmetic shopping together!! Where you may ask... LEISURE MALL.(sweat drop) I know its not like the best place to shop but thats what 2 gals have to do when we can't drive... License here i come in another 10 months.

My cousin fetch me to leisure mall around 12 pm where i waited for Claudia for like 30 min. (where's my cookie?!) We ate at Giants, coz we were trying to save money only to splash it all in the nx half and hour... Can you imagine the scenario where 2 cosmetic lunatic walking together up and down all around leisure mall hunthing for mascara... I think we went up around the mall more than 5 times. The best was in Sasa, after bugging the salesperson for a fairly long time we emerge out of Sasa with just a brush and an eyeliner which cost less than RM15. Poor salesperson..

Oh yea in the end Claudia and me got our Mascara... After 3 hours. I'll review it tomorrow, fairly lazy now.

Did I mention that my finals is in like a week. Nope, I did not study. All I did was go cosmetic shopping. I bet I'll be crying and regretting next week. Lord i pray u'll help me study.... seriously