Yet again, who am I kidding? Life's not a bed of roses...
*Reminder...this is 1 of those annoying-crazily-torturing long posts I do during exams... Exams makes me feel all emotional*
They say, choices are hard to make... that's coz they don't know that standing at a crossroad not knowing that there's a choice to make is way way worse...
Ignorance is bliss... is it really?! I can't make up my mind... If i choose to be ignorant, would I fair better? Would it In fact save me from further plungging into an endless pit of darkness? More importantly if it's true...why do I not like the idea of it...ANYMORE??
Numbness... How long can a person actually stay numb? I wonder how I was able to fool everyone into believing that I don't give a damn about anything? I wonder how the heck I manage to get myself to believe that I'm immune to the surrounding... to believe that If I was ever disected, It would be empty inside... To think that I could never feel the blood dripping down when I bleed... Beginnig of the year,I was beginning to question myself, why do I freaking not give a damn bout anything anymore...Why did I ask, I wonder? Was I scared of being emotionless... or was I in fact tired of putting on a mask... As I question, Defensive walls start crumbling, all the hardwork of making myself numb.... down the drain
Ish...can you believe that I broke down multiple times in school upon being confronted?? Now I feel stupid. To think That its in front of teachers? I feel insanely-stupidly-dumb =.=''
Before you think I've lost my mind, and plugged into depression... I am in fact happily singing away right now... Nth feels better than being able to sing and loving the end results of it... Why did I post this then?
Answer:
To thank God... for he had given me a 2nd chance, to walk out of the endless deep pit, To be able to recover by the grace of God, after screwing up. I will in fect continue to screw up, But i swear, hope and believe in doing it LESS. I know right now I have to be honest with myself, to acknowledge the pain, and to not take things for granted.
A special thanks to Claudia, Amanda, Hema and Kavi... I know its not right to ramble bout how bad things are... How confuse, lost and troubled I am. I have no right to complain since life's way better than it was 5 years ago...
Yet I don't hate how cruel life's been to me... At times I did wish that It would leave me alone. however I know that what I am today is becoz of what happen back then... Maybe i grew up too fast, I didn't have a choice. I know that if I did not seize control, I would have been swept away headed for destruction...
The end result? People comment that I look older than my age... ish, to think that strangers would shut up when I say I'm 16 is like wth?! Do I look like I'm a working adult...&)$@#$@%$
Doing this makes me realised how burned out i was a month ago... Now, all that really matters is me and God... All else proved to be insignificant compare to God and myself...
Jesus take the wheel,
Take it from my hand ,
I can't do this on my own,
I gonna let it go,
So give me 1 mor chance,
Save me from this road I'm on,
Jesus take the wheel...
Carrie underwood, Jesus take the wheel
I surrender Lord, Take charge!!
4 comments:
Wow, you were right. EMO! I was quite bewildered ... But anyway, you manage to save yourself from that pit of yours neh? However it will not be permenent, because life is always a challenge. The knowledge of understanding, and the insight of the Lord will never end..
But still, I want you to not only surrender, and have faith. Those things are only temporary, but, to know who you are living for, and be content of what you always have, is most important.
Do all things, for the glory of God. Never for youself. Read Isaiah 42:1-9. Just encouraged Abigail. I know it will work for you too! Think and pray, to make sure that you are doing everything for the glory of God =P
Thanks... haha
I wonder as well how long I can stand this on going pressure.
But by the grace of God, I'll live through it
well, i seriously don't know what happen to me now a days. i feel like there is something missing in my life but i can't figure out what is it...
i want to look for that answer.
i am very scared that i will lose everyone important to me. even if i leave i don't know where to go.
is not i blame god or anything like that. sometimes i feel no one understands me, only god but i want someone like a friend there for me.
i know you guys can't be there for me for 24 hours.
i don't know am i who i am with you guys. sometimes i want to show you guys what i am but i don't know how... tell me...
Re Amanda:
Why don't you think of it this way... It's same for all of us, V r in the middle trying to figure out our identity... So its normal to feel lost and confuse
Same goes for me...
Try living for God and do as you like... U don't have to me what ur not.. Coz trust me It's not worth it... Rmb that God love u for who u r. N gud friends will come along the way.
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