Thanksgiving Sunday...

I know it's already so yesterday... coz church service was yesterday.... *sweatdrop*

But then I think I ought to post this....
I brilliantly forgotten all about it until now.... I know, I'm the girl who 'p'. Make that a capital P...

warning: This post shall be randomly in order with mixed emotions... and shall be freaking long...

Uncle Victor conducted thanksgiving with the theme "reflection" as in to reflect bout God's grace and mercy upon us and to be ever grateful for he has love us greatly without limits.
Then one representative from each cg have to share a testimony bout how God have blessed them... And true enough by the grace of God, he have transform life and heal the broken hearted.

I was secretly thinking to myself then, if I were to testify instead of Claudia.... what could I say?!
What was I to share bout how God had blessed me?? .... nothing.... I couldn't think of anything... absolutely takde.

Obviously got things to thank God for la... but it pales in comparison when every ticking second spells another second of anxiety and pain in you.

Aint God great??
Right after that, we were given a mirror tied with a rose stick... rose stick coz the branch consist of only the stem filled with thorns but no rose. Then we were shown a videoclip of giving thanks despite of difficulties.... to cut it short, we, youths were reminded that we should thank God for everything... good or bad... right or wrong. I guess it was what I needed.

To be frank, at that time, i didn't wanted to...
Thank him for what?
That I'm breathing even when with every breath I sufforcate more?
That I'm still alive despite already lifeless?
That I can still think eventhou it already doesn't make sense?
I didn't want to give in, didn't want lose control, didn't want to face reality...

But when I was on stage singing, I realise I was desperately trying to fight back tears...
Tears of mixed emotions.... Frustrated yet thankful... comforted despite not wanting comfort.
Heck, if I was down stage in the dark, I guess I would have pour it out...
But then, I said I was gonna wait till youth camp, then I'm gonna let go of everything.... coz there, I don't have to be strong and smile for anyone, I didn't have to hide anything... I could for once pour, pour out everything...

'' sry fellow church friends, you'll have to put up with me...*blek* but I give permission to whack me"

Yes, I expect alot from camp.... and i believe God's gonna reveal something to all of us.
I wasn't thankful for anything till today.... till I read something, which reminded me that,

joy is after sadness, Restoration is after heartbreak, peace is after chaos and trouble, Strength is after extreme weakness...

Indeed if we were always calm and peaceful, we would never experience real peace or joy or love or strength.... coz everything in a large dose would be taken for granted. Tell me, would you appreciate your pen when you have tons of it?? It's when we need a pen yet can't find it that we would appreciate having a pen.

And yes, It's after I lost you that I now appreciate you... It's only now that it hit me, how grateful i was to had been before.. yet, it's only now I truly miss you and yearn for you... after I lost you.

Neh, I guess I'll have to lose it all before I'll truly treasure what I have when I get it next time...
Now?! I guess this pain in the *ahem* is a training and learning ground.... but it sure is a pain...

I guess I should start giving thanks to God...
- for his patience, love, comfort
-AND FOR TROUBLE TIMES, FOR EVERYTHING THATS GONE...

I'm trying to cope, I am.... but it'll take awhile to heal, and it'll probanly leave a scar...
but let's hope for the best..